Willful vs. Willing

My wrist continues to be my teacher. The healing process has been very slow and more than a little discouraging. I found myself going down the fatalistic rabbit hole of all the ways my life will change if this injury turns into reality.

Diagnostics were only furthering the struggle. Every time the occupational therapist laid a goniometer (a protractor for joints) on my wrist, I felt the burn of failure. In two months, wrist extension remained unchanged at 0 degrees.

The surgeon, so proud of her handiwork, was aggressively disappointed: I was sinking into despair.

I have been down this road with so many clients. Injury turns into a diagnosis which quickly turns into a procedure. All of those steps feel mission driven, and to a certain extent clear. The recovery/rebuild process is a different animal.

It can be long and uncertain.

What I began to notice is that I was approaching my rehab allopathically. I was going to my occupational therapy appointments, consulting my practitioner friends, and listening to my surgeon all with the mindset of fixing my wrist.

I was willful. I wanted my old wrist back and I wanted an expert to give me the to-do list that would get me there.

After a particularly dreadful appointment with my surgeon, I found myself in Brooklyn in my pjs eating thai takeout and pulling every single book with content about the hand, wrist, and rehab off the shelves. I knew I couldn’t carry them all back but I could imprint enough of the content to reframe my approach.

In the fire of failure, I found willingness.

I was willing to be present to my immediate needs, to take full responsibility for the healing process, and to accept the outcome whatever it may be.

My way of working now takes 2-3 hours a day and requires a lot of patience. It’s a combination of manual and energetic therapies that adapt to the varying levels of pain, swelling, and strength. After one week of this, i finally felt (and measured) progress.

Because the program is so time intensive, I have made the difficult decision to postpone letters until late August, and resume fully after the holidays in September. My priorities right now are supporting all of you in sessions, teaching my Friday and Saturday morning yoga classes, and tending to my recovery.

It feels scary to walk into the unknown this way. However, I trust my body and know that it will yield all that it can as it can.

I hold all of you in my heart, and I know that the summer is the time we long to expand and renew. Please reach out whenever you need. All cylinders are fiercely firing in my practice.