Part 1: The Antidote to LONELINESS is FRIENDLINESS
In 2018, shocking statistics from Britain hit the headlines citing that a fifth of its citizens sixteen and over, roughly 3.7 million people, say they are chronically lonely.
This was pre-pandemic.
Fast forward to 2022, with the embers of Omicron still warm and no clear path to societal re-engagement, is it any wonder that isolation has precipitated a mental health crisis?
Why, if so many of us are longing for connection, are we unable to find it?
As with so many mental health issues, shame is a barrier to change. When so many serious things are going on in the world, it's hard to acknowledge the toll that it takes to be struggling in our relationships, in conflict with our families, isolated geographically, feeling disconnected, or experiencing age-related discrimination. These experiences might feel too vulnerable to talk about and also not as relevant.
On top of that, loneliness comes with a negativity bias. When we go through prolonged periods of isolation we become more sensitive to signs of rejection. Communication can be laced with pessimism which can be off putting to the very people who are trying to help. If we keep in mind that loneliness is a psychological wound, we can prepare ourselves mentally for the firewall of defenses that arise when we try to address it. Shorter doses of regular contact can help re-establish trust without overtaxing either party.
In addition, loneliness is nuanced. There is a well-established framework that can help us make sense of our distress:
Emotional loneliness is the loneliness that we feel when we lack intimate relationships or the intimacy has drained from our primary partnership.
Social loneliness is the lack of fulfilling connections we feel with family, friends, neighbors or our community.
Collective loneliness is the loneliness we feel when we are devalued by institutions like our workplace or the community at large.
Existential loneliness is the loneliness we feel when our life lacks meaning.
Within this rubric, it’s easy to see how someone could be successful, even beloved, and still feel waves of distress. To help each other we have to make an effort individually and within the culture to be more welcoming. We cannot leave loneliness to the lonely. It's already a big enough wound and burden to bear. The solution, in my opinion, does not lie in Facebook groups. It requires a personal and societal shift toward friendliness.
Friendliness opens possibilities. It allows us to create an atmosphere where people who are genuinely looking for companionship can find each other and people who aren't offer easy encouragement to those who are. In this way, we reduce the negativity bias that comes from so much rejection and decrease the stigma of looking for new friends.
Here are is my list of ideas to help increase social inter-connectivity:
Make a practice of linking good people with other good people via a quick text or an email. Also make a point to respond promptly knowing that it may have been emotionally risky for them to do so.
Check in with those outside of one's inner circle by phone. A monthly call, instead of lurking on Facebook, can revitalize old friendships.
Say hello, however briefly, to those in our neighborhood or at work. A quick enthusiastic greeting can be a welcome energy boost and an affirmation of caring.
Introduce ourselves whenever we can. It makes casual social situations more supportive and opens up group settings for more engagement.
Ask ourselves the question, "Have we made a new friend this week, month, year?" Challenge ourselves to make more room.
I hope this gets us all inspired to make friendliness part of our post-pandemic lifestyle! I believe it is a powerful way to recover our collective sanity and have a bit more fun.
Stay tuned next week for a personal account of the insights gained from 2 years meditating on the yogic view of solitude/loneliness. #kaivalya….